Various Goings-On In OzoneCow Land
short stories
Anonymous
Strange Places
Cramped living conditions forced my family and I to move to Arkansas.
The move was quite a big one. As I packed numerous boxes full of my
favorite pencils, I imagined what it must be like in Arkansas.
It must be crawling with strange and unusual creatures of different
shapes, colors and sizes. I wonder if there is wind in Arkansas, or even
grass! How strange this place seems when it is viewed in my head. And so
I inserted my arm into my ear all the way up to the elbow and grabbed
my thoughts of Arkansas. I gently laid them down in one of the boxes
sitting in front of me and sealed it up. "Now you will not seem so
strange!", I said to the thoughts as I pointed sternly.
Porcelain Dolls
According to Greek mythology, porcelain dolls kill the germs that cause
gingivitis. Don't take my word for it because it isn't true. But we can
pretend that it is. Henry thought it was true. He began every morning
by waking up. Soon after this, he would head into the bathroom and chew
on a porcelain doll. It made him feel good that he was doing his part
to prevent tooth decay. One time he got an eyeball stuck in his throat.
His doctor told him to stop by saying this: "Stop chewing porcelain
dolls." It never worked. So Henry continued chewing on and on. Then, his
teeth fell out.
King Mark
Deep in the far reaches of Glovemitton, there lived an old elf named
Mark. Mark was the king of the Bigglesnugs, and he ruled over them with a
green thumb. One day, Mark was sad. "How I wish", he said with a tear,
"that my shoes were made of soup!" Desperate to make good with the
king, three of his loyal subjects jumped at the chance to design a pair of
"soup shoes". The first one strapped a bowl of soup to his feet, but it
only made his socks soggy. The second tried to tape soup to his feet,
but it would never stick. "Oh the terribleness!", the king yelled, "If
the third one does not succeed, he will be beheaded!" The third one
approached and wrote the word "soup" on his shoes in permanent marker.
"Thank you", said the king.
Moral: Soup is good shoes
Oh Happy Day
"I pictured our honeymoon to be much more different than this!", I said
to Susan as I killed her. She never replied. "You must be sleeping!", I
whispered softly. Picking myself up and wiping off my pants, I headed
out the door. That was a fun day for me. I don't quite remember how it
started, but I know I had pudding for breakfast. "Egad!", I shouted as I
looked down at myself, "I'm in some sort of suit!" I stopped in my
tracks and thought for many minutes. "Oh dear", I realized, "I married
Susan this morning and then killed her! ... I need to see a doctor about my
memory problems!"
Daryl the Mexican Puppy
Daryl was a Mexican puppy. One sunny summer day in 1973, Daryl was
auditioning for the lead role in a diet soda commercial. The part was just
what Daryl had been waiting for all his life. Although he was rejected
for the part long before he had shown up, Daryl was determined to give
it his all for the room of casting directors that weren't there. This,
however, caused a problem. Unbeknownst to most thespians, one should
never try to put themselves into a situation that has already happened.
This could cause the space-time continuum to be thrown off alignment.
But Daryl did not think about that. Then, the universe imploded.
The Future Adventures of Peter
Peter was creepy. Not in the traditional sense of a cross-dressing
pedophile, but creepy all the same. It was the year 3029, and Peter was
living quite happily. "How neat it is!", he thought to himself, "that I
live in the future!" Peter drove his hovering space pod to work each day
as he watched re-runs of Full House on the video monitor. Peter often
marveled at how strange life was back in the days of music and trees.
His thoughts of the past never lasted long though. For this was the
future, and Peter lived in it. Peter was a fashion designer, and this, as
previously stated, was what made him so unconventionally creepy. His
designs were quite obscure to those with little culture, and they were
divine to other. The other was Sam who lived across the street. Peter would
often show Sam his sketches of the latest fashions he had dreamt up the
night before. From the flickering laser boots to the see-thru hats that
made toast, Sam saw them all. Money was no object with Peter. This was
because he had none and Sam was the only one who liked his clothes, but
Sam had no money to buy them either so they both lived poorly even
though they were happy inside but were very poverty stricken. Peter hated
run-on sentences. He always despised them and hoped that, if anyone ever
wrote about his life, they would never use one. This dream cameth not
true, so Peter fell off the face of the Earth and thusly ate a lollipop.
The Day I Talked to Betty
Today I talked with Betty and it went like this:
"Do you love me still?", I asked her and she said "I do of course" and
then I smiled and asked if she loved me more every day and she said
"yes because I make more money then ever before" and I said "well for
whatever reason, I am so glad that we are so in love with each other" and
then when she smiled and I knew that it was safe, I asked her if Dave
and Julie could ever come over for a little dinner in the hen house and
she said that it might be alright if Dave didn't come over but Julie did
because she has always like her better than Dave and I think that it
was because Dave has hairy toes and then I started puking all over the
place because I had eaten too much pizza bread at lunch time over at
Travis' house and she thought that it was really gross so she wouldn't talk
about it anymore so I says to her "well then lets have a little time of
fooling around" and she says back to me "Bob, you are silly."
Various Goings-On In OzoneCow Land© COPYRIGHT 2005 Anonymous.
Reproduction prohibited without permission from the author.
06/28/05
