Just Want to Know
Letter
by Elaine Kokas
Is it not our responsibility as parents to insure the
physical, as well as, mental well being of our children? A well known
artist sings a song which tells a young person’s story, a plea if you
will, asking her father to stay married, to forgive her mother, stating
that she and her sibling will behave better. The storyteller asks the
question, “can we work it out, can we be a family?” common questions that
consume the innocent children. As adults do we not have the ability to
be honest with our children? To take responsibility for our failures
and not allow our children to take on or feel unjustified guilt? What
purpose does our living a lie serve them? Does living unhappily make us
better parents? Does it lessen the level of tension in the home
environment or create a healthy environment in which to raise our children?
Are we as parents blind to the fact that our youth see, feel and know so
much more then we give them credit for? Do we really believe that we
are sheltering them from reality and preserving their innocence? Or is
it that we are simply afraid of facing our own failures, fear spousal
revenge or stepping into unknown life experiences or not being brave
enough to face what our hearts truly feel? What do we teach our children
about living life when we stay in a relationship that saddens us or is
no longer supported by the feelings that were the relationship’s
foundations. Does staying in a relationship that no longer contains
passionate love, respect and forgiveness due to our own fear of failure, lack
of self esteem or our own anger teach our children the right choice or
does it create a level of guilt and emotional scarring that we justify
as acceptable? By using the excuse of “staying” for our children are we
allowing them to pay the price of our lack of emotional resolution? A
common comment that we hear is “my children will grow up and then it
will be my time to live life and be happy,” true but at whose expense?
Parents sacrifice and “do for” their children at levels that those who
are not parents cannot comprehend. Every day we put aside some of our
wants to meet their needs and supply as many of their “wants” as we can.
When our children move on and are on their own we can take time to
venture and begin a new voyage of discovery as we stand on the sidelines
cheering on their emerging independence. As parents we try to create a
childhood filled with happy memories but in reality there will be
moments of sadness and times when we must tell them things will get better or
point out moments that are worse. We will be there with a shoulder
to cry on and sometimes we will even be the cause of the tears. Life is
not all pleasant and in reality the world is not made up of candy
dreams. Our children learn through our mistakes or failures that life can
be hard and yet livable and even joyous. We as parents have the job of
preparing them for the real world. Can we best do that by living a lie
with our relationships? Would it not be best to turn our failures into
a positive life situation from which they can grow to accept life’s
changes? How can we teach them to go forth, give them the strength to
reach for everything in life that they deserve if we ourselves have
settled for less? We need to teach them that they are worthy of great love
by showing that we ourselves choose to have this kind of love in our
lives. How can we expect them to have emotional balance in life if we
chose not to balance our lives with true love?
As parents we need to step back and see what our children see, feel
what they feel and hear the unspoken words they have in their hearts.
Tell me if living a lie in a marriage that has no passion, trust or
honesty that is full of broken promises is worth the inflicted pain we pass
on to our children by placing them in this atmosphere. What right do we
have to use our children as an excuse to hold on to this pain or worse
yet to use them as a means of revenge or controlling a person who no
longer loves us? What right do we have to inflict this pain on the
children we are obligated to honor, protect and love? How can we as parents
justify this mental abuse as we, knowingly or unknowingly, inflict
adult insecurities on children? The voices in society blame the
educational system and society’s environment for our fallen youth, future abusers
and victims, should we not look closer for reasons for our children’s
problems? Is it not better to be forward, honest and to confront a
situation and create a new beginning with two strong and stable parents
living positive lives separately then to continue to place our children in
an atmosphere of sadness, mistrust and false pretences? Ask yourself
this, would you encourage your son or daughter to stay in a relationship
where someone is abusing them, has betrayed them or no longer loves
them? Would you encourage your child to stay in a painful situation or
would you encourage them to be self sufficient and happy? If your answer
would be to encourage them to seek a positive situation then teach them
the principle by living it yourself, we teach by example. To me
divorce is not failure; it can be the healing of the soul. Good parenting
requires honesty, communication, trust and strength in times of change.
Although this sounds as though I am condemning those who choose the
path of staying together even in unhappiness, I am not. I plead
ignorance, I ask for you to help me understand the path you have chosen.
Just Want to Know© Copyright 2004 Elaine Kokas, printed with permission.
