Abe Lincoln, International Man of Mystery
Story
Scotty "Boom-Body" McManus
Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin in the Northern United States.
Discontent with the harsh winters, he grew up dreaming of one day
moving to Jamaica. Being often teased because of his dreadlocks, he quickly
learned how to properly handle himself in physical confrontations. He
was a talented fighter and could handle conflict resolution through
diplomatic means as well. He wrestled in high school and would have taken
first at state had he not been disqualified for hitting the referee
with a chair.
Devastated by the loss, he retired from wrestling to become a
lumberjack and a lawyer. Afterward he became a lumberjack lawyer. Many
injured-on-the-job lumberjacks won successful lawsuits against mighty oak
trees due to Lincoln's tireless prosecuting efforts. Lincoln believed
every tree should be cut down and started the wildly unsuccessful "Bulldoze
the Universe of Trees Today" organization also known as B.U.T.T.
Lumberjacks admired Lincoln for his versatility with the ax, and when
they asked him how he was able to handle the instrument he said he had
plenty of time to learn during the 10 years he spent giving himself a
haircut. One day whilst he was looking for fallen lumberjacks, he
spotted Fredrick Douglass cutting down a tree in order to construct a podium
to speak on later.
Douglass inspired Lincoln to consider abolitionism as a career. The
pay was low but the benefits were great; lots of travel and 3 weeks
vacation annually. Douglass pushed Lincoln into much discussion with
Senator Stephen Douglas about slavery in the now famous Lincoln-Douglas
debates. Douglass was convinced winning the debates wouldn't be a problem
since his name had one more s than Douglas's name.
Somewhere along the line, Lincoln became president. He thought it all
started New Year's Eve 1861 where he took a new spin off of the old
pull my finger joke. Instead of breaking wind upon one unsuspecting
enough to pull his finger, he wet himself instead. Like most trends, this
joke was a huge fad for about 2 years, and then became as extinct as
Vanilla Ice.
Lincoln's immense popularity continued however because of his drive for
abolitionism. Although half of the country was rebelling, he planned
to annex Canada anyway, so he wouldn't lose too much land. His meetings
with the Canadian Prime Minister went well, but nothing ever got done
since every meeting they'd spend the whole time talking about where they
wanted to eat.
For a brief time, Lincoln had a romantic mail correspondence with Ada
Countess of Lovelace, the founder of scientific computing. But the
relationship didn't hold up when Ada started spending a lot more time with
her imaginary friend Scruffy.
Lincoln was very active in military service, even after attaining the
presidency. Unfortunately a terrible shrapnel accident during the war
left him totally blind. Despite this handicap, he didn't incur any
problems being a drill instructor for the duration of the war. In fact, he
was so feared as an authority figure, whenever his nickname "Fuzz" was
mentioned among the troops, they would all go into a panic.
The evening before Lincoln's assassination at Ford's theater, he went
over to Thomas Edison's place to perform "Yankee Doodle" at one of the
very first Karaoke parties. After the assassination, Mark Twain made an
appearance at Lincoln's funeral for the sole purpose of attempting to
break the world record for the most cigars smoked at a funeral. Lincoln's life influenced many historical figures during his time. This is why
he's often referred to as a past-day Burt Reynolds.
Lincoln later came back to life to appear in a Starship video on MTV.
Since then he has become an insurance salesman and hasn't been heard
from since. Some theorists assume he joined the mob under the name "Big
Vito".
Abe Lincoln, International Man of Mystery© COPYRIGHT 2005 Scotty "Boom-Body" McManus.
Reproduction prohibited without permission from the author.
03/28/05
